Perez Hilton is about as entertaining as anal fissures. Honestly, I'd rather have throat cancer than spend ten minutes with the guy. He isn't funny. He doesn't come off as smart. He gives homosexuals everywhere a bad rap. (Is he even gay? No matter.) He represents all that is wrong with celebrity gossip ... and there ain't much right there to begin with.
Now I hear Drew Barrymore is thinking of suing his ass. I support that. I really do. If he's making false statements about the woman, whom I happen to find charming and delightful, then he needs to pay for it. Had it been me he made wild accusations about I would either A) ignore him (which is the best idea), or B) kick his ass (which would be far more satisfying). If I had the time to sit in the courtroom, I'd hold up a sign that said, "Way to go, Drew! Smoke that motherfucker's ass!"
I would be thrown out.
I don't know why this fuck gets me foaming at the mouth angry. Perhaps it's because he's one of those self-absorbed assholes who spend far too much time in front of me in line trying to figure out who to make the check out to or what wine goes best with fish. Perhaps it's because he kind of resembles a human pig and the way he colors his hair only serves to really draw attention to that sad fact. Perhaps I'm jealous that he calls himself Perez, which makes him sound well-traveled in fake tourist type of way.
Perhaps I'm just tired of seeing him pop up on my computer and on television.
In the real world, people like Perez, who spend a lot of time dishing about Hollywood faces that don't really contribute anything to the art of film, would find themselves doing so on their breaks at their Burger King job. Instead, we live in a world where celebrities are made simply because they write about other celebrities who have done nothing really special to earn that title. He represents that. He is the poster child of wasted time.
Then again, maybe he does have a place in Hollywood. If Deliverance is ever remade he could show off what a pretty mouth he has. Yep, I've found the role for him. Squeal, pig!
-Doug Brunell (America's Favorite Son)