Bloodsucking Freaks -- The Trouble With Vampires

Fright Night returns!  Like the vampires it portrays, it is back from the dead starring everyone's favorite overrated actor, Colin Farrell.  Think Twilight for cooler kids.  Well, not really, but that pissed some people off.

I saw the original Fright Night when it came out and read the book by two exceptional authors (Skipp and Spector).  I disliked both of them quite a bit.  Why?  The movie had too much humor and the book read a lot like fan fiction.  Oh, and I don't really like vampires.

Don't get me wrong.  There are some great vampire movies.  (There are some great vampire books, too, but this isn't my book blog.)  The original Nosferatu.  30 Days of Night.  Vampire in Brooklyn.  (I'm kidding on that one.)  It is possible to make a good vampire movie that doesn't involve teens and love.

Even though I'm not a vampire fan, I do have a certain type of vampire I like to see.  It's not the dashing misunderstood type, who broods and pines for lost love, spouting off lines about eternal life being a "curse" and a "burden."  Nor is it the faux bad boys that turn ugly in the very homoerotic film called The Lost Boys.  Nope.  I like my vampires feral.  Animals that bathe in the blood of their kills as they lap up around the open wounds.  If they're sexual, I want the sex to be born of rage.  I don't want any complaining about eternal life, either.  I like my vampires more like Cassidy from the Preacher comic books and less like Lestat.  (I actually blame Anne Rice for a lot of that romanticism that has ruined the vampire mythos.  Yes, it was always there on some level, but she made it really popular.  Now she can go and ruin Jesus, too.)

I imagine Fright Night will do well at the box office.  It looks to be a little less humorous than the much-loved original, too.  (Thank goodness for small, unasked for favors.)  I won't watch it unless dragged to it.  I won't read the book, either, if that happens to come out.  All of which brings one thing to the forefront:  If I don't like vampires all that much, and don't like too much humor in my horror movies, why did I watch the film and read the book in the first place?  The answer's easy.  I want to like vampires.

The horror fan in me loves whenever a horror movie comes out, even if it is a remake.  I think vampires, as a subgenre, have a wealth of untapped potential.  Every time I see a new movie or book, I get a little hopeful that this will be the one to turn it all around.  30 Days of Night, which started out as a comic book, was such a great idea it's hard to believe someone didn't think of it sooner.  The comic series and the movie were both pretty good.  Most of the times, though, what we are given is just more of the same.  I don't want 43 year old mall moms digging vampire tales unless they are already a little twisted in the first place.  They definitely shouldn't be using stuff like the Twilight series as masturbation material, yet that is what is happening.  Teen girls love it.  Mall moms love it.  Vampires should not be adored by these people.  They shouldn't be fantasizing that Edward will come and carry them away.  They should be fearful he'll come and rip their fucking throats out.  You don't see this demographic (a broad one, I know) getting all weak-kneed over cinematic serial killers (Anthony Hopkins the exception) or sporting Maniac t-shirts reading "Team Frank."  But throw a vampire their way and expect the batteries to disappear out of the remote.

Vampires have become cuddly and safe.  Muppets with stylish hair.  Gone are the days of hanging garlic on the door and hoping the Glick boy doesn't come scratching at your window.  Now we have vampire weddings and births, cool guys on motorcycles who glimmer in the sun or some such nonsense.  At least some horror conventions are still sacred.


Mandatory FTC Disclaimer: Clicking on a link could earn me somes spendings monies.